


making light of these dark days

by avapacifica



Series: October Writing Challenge 2020 [12]
Category: Dead by Daylight (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Fear, Guilt, Hallucinations, Happy Ending, Reading, Relationship Discussions, Sleep, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:49:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26982427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avapacifica/pseuds/avapacifica
Summary: a discussion to silence herman's worries
Relationships: Herman Carter | The Doctor/Feng Min
Series: October Writing Challenge 2020 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948126
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	making light of these dark days

**Author's Note:**

> Day 12: Guilt  
> title is from a Used song, because when are they not

“When I shock you, what do you see?” Feng is in his lap, reading a comic the Entity had so graciously provided. It was one from her childhood, she even mentioned it was torn in the same spots. She finishes the box she’s reading before responding, it’d be a shame to lose her place. 

“You. Doesn’t everyone?” She turns to him, Herman thinks he sees a small smile on her face. She never looks distressed around him, or even neutral. At first he thought it meant he was doing something right, but he’s learned it really just makes her impossible to decipher. 

“Yes, they do.” He sighs, resting his head on her own. It was selfish to think that his powers would affect Feng in a different way. His grasp tightens around her waist. He was hoping that maybe she saw hallucinations of his other killer colleagues, or perhaps didn’t see anything at all. 

“Why do you ask?” She murmurs. Her eyes are still devoted to the page, but she’s equally as interested in the man behind her. The thing is, he doesn’t want to exist like that in her mind. It’s slightly ironic, considering he still hurts her to appease the Entity. But he only does so, in the hopes that it will grant them more time together. He’s running in circles to make them both happy. It just so happens that the price to pay is to be a figure of horror in the one he loves most’s mind. 

“No reason.” Herman tells her, rather than spilling his heart out. She already goes through enough, he can’t bear to do even more damage. She shuts the book and puts it to the side, knowing a discussion needs to occur. Feng can tell when he’s getting bothered, Herman is a terrible liar. He sounds sad. She knows it wasn’t his intention, but his tone is practically begging her to press on. She turns around, straddling his torso to face him.

“Please tell me.” She puts her arms around his neck, in return he tucks a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. Hanging his head, Herman knows he can’t resist telling her anything she wants to know.

“I’ve been terrible.” He admits. Feng waits for him to continue. Given the chance, he’ll finish his thought. “I continue to torture you, all so that we can have moments like these. It’s horribly selfish.” When they first started whatever this was, they had tried to completely ignore each other during trials. It hadn’t ended well though, the Entity making it known that they wouldn’t be seeing each other at all outside of trials if they continued their antics. Feng had been the first to insist that he do his job. He had gone along, because he loved her. For the same reasoning now, he wants to go back on that. 

“If I didn’t absolutely know this is the only place I wanted to be, do you know what I would’ve asked of you?” Herman doesn’t respond, his head still down. “I would’ve told you to never touch me during a trial. When you offered just that, I saw you would do anything I wanted.” Feng tilts his head up with two fingers, afraid her point won’t get across otherwise. “All of this is worth it, if I can spend a fraction of my time with you. Don’t ever begin to doubt that.” His eyes brighten a little, and she turns back around to her previous position, picking up the comic. 

“I was brought here for a reason. I’ll endure what I have to, to be with you. Doing what you have to isn’t selfish, to stop would be.” And when she phrases it like that, a smidgen of that guilt floats away. “Besides, hallucinations of you aren’t scary.” Now that’s surprising.

“You’re the only one who seems to think so.” Herman comments. He hopes it’s true. It would be absolutely perfect if she was the only one out of the survivors that wasn’t terrified of him. It does frighten him though, maybe his effect on the rest of them is wearing off. It’s already hard enough to kill them all, he can’t afford to be getting rusty.

“Oh I don’t doubt it.” Feng assures him. “Don’t get me wrong. Seeing you everywhere that you aren’t is unsettling. I know it’s not you and it’s upsetting. Not scary though, I don’t think I could ever feel fear looking at you.”

Herman is grateful she is facing away from him, otherwise Feng would see how overwhelmingly happy he is. In fact, he’s shaking a little, mostly from relief. He hopes it isn’t too noticeable. He knows he’s not the nicest thing to look at. Herman spent years using that to his advantage. He always assumed she put her fear aside because of his personality, as crazy as that sounded. But to know that was never the case? She doesn’t even have to find him attractive, this is enough.

She finishes her comic, again changing her position. Herman recognizes the pattern, she wants to sleep. As Feng turns to lay across him, he takes his arms from around her waist and puts one under her legs, the other behind her back and head. He loves the view of her nuzzling into his chest.

“Maybe when I wake up I’ll still be here.” The Entity only brings them together when they’re both tired, and only separates them when they’re both asleep. Maybe if Herman stays up all the hours she’s out, she’ll wake in his arms. The only alternative is him blinking and her vanishing. He’ll try though, only for her.

Herman thinks the Entity allows this all to happen so it’s harder when it comes to trials. Allowing them to fall in love wasn’t merciful, it was just its style. The more attached Herman and Feng become to each other, the more painful the rest of it is. But as Feng said, it was worth it. Herman isn’t sure if the Entity could understand that concept. He prays it never finds out. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed! kudos and comments are always appreciated, feedback makes my day!


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